“Pastor, I just don’t know what to do…” Mary sat in my office, pouring out her heart to me about her difficulties with her son. I wished I could reach into that family and rearrange things so life would be better for Mary. I sat across from
her, struggling with my anxiety and sense of inadequacy.
What does it mean to be truly helpful in ministry? Most clergy feel a sense of calling to make a difference for others in the world. We want to engage with others, support them through life crises and help them grow. Yet sometimes our efforts at helping do not lead to growth but to dependency. We can have trouble understanding where the boundaries stand between ourselves and others. Where does our responsibility for others lie?
Family systems thinking introduces the idea of the overfunctioning/ underfunctioning reciprocity, in which both the "overfunctioner," the person taking too much responsibility, and the "underfunctioner," the person taking not enough responsibility, lack self. Both are unable to determine what is most important for themselves and follow a clear direction forward. Reflecting on these concepts, and on my own experience as an overfunctioner (like many clergy) has brought me to the question: How much of the "good" we do is overfunctioning? Overfunctioning involves getting in the space of another. Overfunctioners believe that no one else can do it as well as they can. When we rush in to help someone, we are often acting in an un-self-regulated manner. Our own anxiety causes us to want to do something—not because we really have a sense of what is best, but because we lack the maturity to sit back and wait. Anxious helping
often does not "help" at all. It does not lead to growth, but to dependency.
Rev. Cynthia Maybeck, pastor of Trinity Church in Northboro, MA, suggests that overfunctioning is about borrowing self from others. And she adds, “to the extent that I overfunction it does not give room for people to function. The bottom line of overfunctioning is taking responsibility for other people.” And, she adds, stepping back from overfunctioning is not just about delegating more, or working as a team. There’s a deeper level: letting go of responsibility for other people, and even for the success of the institution.
This does not mean that all helping is overfunctioning or that we should stop doing good things for people. I do mean to ask whether challenge can be as good as "help." Perhaps making demands of people can be more helpful than doing good things for them. And perhaps if we get out of their way, they can come up with creative solutions to their problems that we never even dreamed of. Even if these solutions are not what we would choose, those involved will be better off for having created and applied them.
When we focus on ourselves as helpers, on managing our own anxiety, and on maintaining clear boundaries, having a deep sense of our own purpose and values, we will be better able to be present with others in a way that respects their own resources and individuality. We all must ultimately find our own way. It is irresponsible and arrogant to presume to know that way for another. And to put it positively, sometimes we can be the most "help" by giving people space to find solutions to their own struggles. Sometimes, to do real “good" is to do nothing while remaining emotionally present and connected to people. For those of us with a lifetime of practice in pestering others to let us do things "for their own good," this new approach is not easy. We may feel deep within us that this approach is cold, unfeeling, unchristian— unethical! Not helping is BAD. Many people are programmed from birth to help. Those of us who enter professional ministry are probably as thoroughly programmed as anyone! But part of our calling may be to learn to trust God with the lives of others.
Pastoral Counselor James Boyer says, “As for clergy ‘helping’ I immediately think of the overfunctioning position clergy often carry over from their families. I think several things can be helpful to the clergy who find themselves being over-helpful with others. It can be useful for clergy to identify who in their family they were trained to rescue so as not to mistake legitimate professional helping with illegitimate family rescuing—which is inevitably tied to unhealthy ways of trying to feel good about one’s self.”
In my own ministry, I find when I can overcome my own anxious need to be helpful, I find greater freedom and creativity in my own response to people, and greater resourcefulness on their part. I have found this to be true in my own family, in individuals I've worked with, and with congregations as a whole. Too much seriousness can work against us. Taking responsibility for everything and everyone is a very serious position. Being "good" and being serious are not identical. A light touch can go a long way toward helping us clarify what others do and do not need from us. In order to have this relaxed and light touch, we need to have a sense of security. That security can come from faith. If we live out of trust in God, we can relax—we don't have to worry about taking care of everyone, because all the results do not depend on us.
I am having plenty of opportunities to practice this as my 18-year-old daughter prepares for college. I have to restrain myself (not always successfully) from rushing in to offer suggestions or to remind her of deadlines. But her success in life, in college, or even in the application process does not depend on me. Fortunately, she is quite good at setting the boundaries. In a recent conversation, when I was fussing at her about the upcoming financial aid form deadlines, I finally got enough distance to ask her, “What would really help you?” She answered, “Just do for me what I can’t do for myself, and let me do the rest. I can worry about deadlines plenty on my own.” She was clear and self-defined. No doubt I am learning as much or more in this process as she is, and I hope I can stay out of her way as she becomes an adult.
The tricky part of this is we get a lot of credit for taking responsibility for others. And when we decide to step back from that role, people may not thank us; in fact, they may do just the opposite. Cynthia Maybeck says, “When we stop overfunctioning, it rocks the institution, because the expectation is that we will.” Many churches are organized around the overresponsibility of clergy and other key lay leaders, who then risk burnout, only to be replaced by others who fill the same role.
James Boyer suggests, “It’s probably a good idea for clergy who like helping to increase their tolerance of others’ disappointment in them. Another way to say this is for clergy to practice receiving the disappointment of others as
neutrally as possible – that is less personally.” He adds, “I find that clergy who are at least as passionate about their own needs as they are about the needs of others seem to do much better overall.”
Paul says in Philippians 2:12, "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." As a leader, he is telling them to obey him, but acknowledging that the responsibility for their lives is ultimately their own. Elsewhere he says, "Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2). How can we obey both these injunctions? As we mature, emotionally and in the faith, we are better able to deal with tension and ambiguity. Should we bear someone's burdens or challenge them to work out their salvation? It depends.
There is no magic "technique" for ministry to others, no list of do's and don't's. If I "help" someone, anxiously assuming it is my responsibility to solve their problem, I will probably do more harm than good. If I offer a helping hand with the knowledge that the responsibility for their lives is theirs alone, and with a relaxed sensibility, perhaps I am indeed helping. If I know when to offer challenge, that too can be ahelp.
Ultimately, we, too, must “work out our own salvation with fear and trembling,” trusting God with our own lives and the lives of those to whom we minister.
© Margaret J. Marcuson
Margaret J. Marcuson works with clergy and other leaders who want to learn an easier, more effective way to lead. She is a leader of leaders, American Baptist minister, and teacher and student of human systems (www.margaretmarcuson.com). This article originally appeared in The
Clergy Journal.